


Its a Journal, not a diary!

by GodsGirlxx13



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Anxiety, Cutting, Diary, Eating Disorders, F/M, Family, Friendship, Hospital, Journal, M/M, Multiple Personalities, Pain, Possessive Disorder, Psych Ward, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suffering, one direction - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2014-09-11
Packaged: 2018-01-24 12:17:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1604870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GodsGirlxx13/pseuds/GodsGirlxx13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A boy finds himself being bullied in school, stressed about final exams, and just tired of life. He needs an outlet but what? He finds pictures of girls who had cut themselves on the Internet- what could it hurt ? he asked himself. He tries it. Turns out it works well. It just so happens that the first day he tries coincides with the first page in his new journal (its not a diary!). What will happen to the boy when his best friend finds out, his mother confronts him about it, and he realizes his true feelings for the one he loves?</p><p>AU- One Direction in Secondary School; not famous.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Journal Number 3, Pages 1-3

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theyvegotthisspellonme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theyvegotthisspellonme/gifts).



> Hi! Thank you so much for reading this! I don't want to give much away about the story just yet, but the way things run in the place that the boy goes is going to be the same as where I was. Yes, I was in the same place as the boy in the story. I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> *NOTE: its implied that the boy in the story has 2 other journals that hes filled over the years. This is his third journal 
> 
> Any questions- email them to me k3nzi3kins13@gmail.com
> 
> much love,  
> McKenzie

Liam’s Journal (its not a diary!)- Journal #3

 

**_18 February, 2011_ **

School sucked, as usual, today. I’m so sick of getting bullied. Today Louis had to get me out of my locker. Thank The Lord that we share our lockers with each other. He came to get his maths book and found me shoved inside. He helped extricate me and my bag before retrieving his maths book.

“Li… again?” he asked me. I shrug, muttering a reply of how it doesn’t matter while walking off to my classroom. I take my seat next to, one of my few friends, Niall Horan.

“Hey Li!” he said, energetic as ever. I roll my eyes- this child needs to be medicated….badly. “Hey Ni.” I replied, pulling out my books with a frown. Today just wasn’t going well. It was warm as heck in the classroom- I pulled up my sleeves to my elbows as I pull my books out.

“Oh my goodness! Liam!” Niall all but screams, grabbing my arm. CRAP! I quickly pull my sleeves down.

“Just do your work Niall.” I say, chewing on my lip.

“Liam… why?” Niall asked. He always cared about those he loved. I shake my head and mumble a “later” to him. I didn’t want to talk about it. We go about class doing our work.

Later this afternoon when Niall came over to study for our History test. We sit on my bed with our text books open, notebooks with pages of scribble upon them open, a plate of snacks before us and two soda on the nightstand.

“So,” I began, looking at my textbook, “where should we start? What about with Henry the VIII?”

“Liam…. Its later…. Talk to me.” Niall said.

“What?” I ask, I had forgotten about the earlier incident in my attempts to study.

“Your arm Liam… why? You can talk to me… I’m always here for you Li! You’re like my brother. It hurts me to see you like this, doing this… please talk to me.”

I pull my sleeve up, sighing. “I’m sick of my life. I’m tired of being bullied, I’m tired of my parents fighting, I’m tired of always having to do everything around the house because my mother doesn’t want to be around my dad and my dad’s too drunk to do anything. I just… I’m so empty, so numb. I just need to feel something Ni! Anything!” I say, tears forming, subconsciously picking at the newly formed scars, making them bleed again.

“Aw Li…” Niall said pulling me into a hug, “It’s gonna be okay. Let’s get this cleaned up, yeah?” Niall proceeded to lead me to the bathroom and pushes me onto the toilet seat. He grabs the first aid kit from under the sink and rubs my arm down with the antiseptic wipes, to which I hiss at. Niall then grabs the antibacterial gel and very gently spreads it on each scar with a gentle, sad, smile. In the end he wraps my arm in several layers of thick gauze. “Now, let’s study.” I said, standing, pulling my sleeve down and going back to my bedroom. We spent the rest of the afternoon studying for the history test.

Liam xx

 

_**20 February, 2011** _

Sorry I didn’t write yesterday, I felt seriously ill. I think I cut a bit too deep- blood loss made me quite woozy.

“LIAM!” mum says as I walked in the door from school this afternoon.

“Hi mum.” I reply- today had been hell, worse than yesterday if that was even possible.

“Honey, are you alright?” She asked, that infamous mother’s worry apparent in her voice.

“Fine mum, just a bit stressed. Exams are coming up…” I replied with a sigh.

“Liam James Payne! QUIT LYING TO ME!” mum said, pushing me onto the couch.

“I just am stressed about exams!” I insist, because honestly, it wasn’t a lie.

“Then care to explain why I found bloody tissues in the waste bin in your bathroom, the first aid kit on the counter, and a razor blade with dried blood on it in your medicine cabinet today?” I sat there, staring at her. I blink a few times and shake my head.

“Baby Bear…” my mother said, using my old nickname she had given me as an infant due to my soft fluffy brown hair.

“Mum, it’s nothing. Just don’t worry over it.” I insist.

“Liam!” my mother cried gently, “how can I NOT worry?! My baby bear is hurting himself on purpose! You’re not eating anymore either, Li!”

“Mummy… I’m sorry. I’ll stop and I’ll start eating. I promise!” I told her, holding her hands. Her words hit me hard in the heart, but I didn’t care right then, I had homework and I had to study for my exams.

Liam xx

 

 

 

_**21 February, 2011** _

I sit on my bed staring at the suitcase in front of me, I can’t believe it. My parents are sending me away. Just because I keep to myself, I’m quiet, and don’t necessarily like myself all that much they’re sending me away! I’m not “a wreck” as my mum says! Why doesn’t she believe me? Mum is calling through the door for me to hurry up and pack. She’s given me a list-I’ll copy that in here now.

**To Pack**

  1.   _Bible_  
 _2\. Book for reading_  
 _3\. Toothbrush/toothpaste_  
 _4\. Shower supplies (no razor)_  
 _5\. Underpants_  
 _6\. Undershirts_  
 _7\. Socks_  
 _8\. Shower shoes (take your blue flip-flops, Li)_  
 _9\. 1 pair jeans_  
 _10\. 1 nice shirt (what about your favourite purple polo?)_  
 _11\. Slippers_  
 _12\. Your glasses_  
 _13\. Your pillow 1_  
 _14\. Mr. Bear (I know you can’t sleep without him)_  
 _15\. Socks_  
 _16\. Photos of home_



**DO NOT Pack**   
_1\. Headphones_  
 _2\. Cell phone_  
 _3\. Computer_  
 _4\. Hand-held games_  
 _5\. Medications (have parents deliver to counter)_  
 _6\. iPod_  
 _7\. Scissors, razor, sharp objects_  
 _8\. Stationary/pen (we will provide those)_  
 _9\. Glass (mirrors, bottles, etc.)_  
 _10\. Belts_  
 _11\. Jewelry of any kind_  
 _12\. Any shoes or clothes with laces_

Like what kind of place is my mum sending me to!? I don’t understand. I mean… I do understand… I KNOW why she’s sending me, but I don’t need to go! I guess I should start packing… my mum’s getting aggravated that I’m taking so long.

Liam xx

 


	2. Journal 3, Entry 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where does Liam go to "get better" and what happens the day he leaves?

A/N: here is a picture of Liam's journal

**21 February, 2011; 11:45 pm**

 

I’m still in shock. My parents actually dropped me off at the looney bin! Mum said it was for the best. She said they would help me to be happy again. I am happy though… at least… I thought I was. I guess I should record the events of the day.

So as I stated in my last entry, I spent the morning packing. Once I was finished, I carried my bag and pillow downstairs. My mother searched my bag stating that she didn’t want “any funny business”- whatever that meant. I sighed and sat on the couch, again picking at my scaring cuts; I tend to do this absentmindedly anymore. As my mother opened my bag and searched through and I sat on the couch staring off into space, I heard my name called by two familiar voices. I look up and saw my two older sisters Nicola and Ruth walking in the front door.

“What are you doing here?!” I asked, “You have finals at Uni coming up!”

“Mum called us…. Said you were in a rough spot and that you were going to go get some help and that we should come see you.” Nicola said, sitting down next to me. I sigh, lying my head on her shoulder. My sisters and I always been close as siblings- something I’m thankful for.

“What’s wrong little bub?” Ruth asked, joining the cuddle. I shake my head, pulling my sleeves down.

“Li-bear…” Nicola said, “what’s going on? Mum said you’ve been hurting yourself and that you don’t eat much, if anything, at all anymore. What’s happening baby brother?” she rubbed my arm, lovingly, but hits the deepest, and sorest, cut from the other day and I hiss.

“Liam? Are you hissing at me?” Nicola said with a small laugh, “I just want to know what’s going on.”

“Please move your hand, Nic.” I said through gritted teeth.

Nicola and Ruth look at each other and frown.

“Li, pull your sleeve up please.” Ruth said with a big frown.

“No.” I reply, I wasn’t about to show my sisters what I had done. Ruth looks at me with her big brown eyes, her are a bit lighter than mine.

“Please Liam,” Ruth begged, “we want to try and understand what you’re going through.”

“YOU CAN’T. NO ONE CAN, OKAY RUTH! NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND AND THAT ITS JUST BETTER THAT I’M NOT AROUND!” I yell, tears forming as I jump from the couch, pulling out of the cuddle and run to my room, locking the door, sobbing on my bed. I hear the girls and my mum calling after me, but I didn’t care. I grab the small black bag I had stashed in my pillow case yesterday. It contained a new razor blade and a bottle of Vicodin that was left over from about 8 months ago when Ruth had to have surgery on her elbow. I take a deep breath and down a little more than half the bottle before grabbing the blade, cutting deeper than I ever had before. It was like a volcano, blood gushing out. I smiled, now I wouldn’t have to go to that stupid place that mum said would help. I don’t know why, but death suddenly seemed like the greatest thing. I stood and wobbled over to my door, unlocking it, seeing my mother and sister standing there as it opened. I smiled at them before I turned to go back to my bed- then everything goes black. I woke a few minutes later to find my mum, sisters, and two men I didn’t recognize standing over me. I was lying on my bed, the men were wrapping my arm in gauze. I quickly try to sit up but I’m pushed back down on the bed by the men.

“Oh Liam…” my mum said as she stroked my hair, “my poor baby bear…”

“Alright, we’ve got his arm wrapped and some fluids going into him via IV. We need to get him to the hospital to see how many of the pills he swallowed.” One of the men, who I figured out were paramedics, said.

My mother nodded, “we’ll follow you there.” She proceeded to kiss my forehead as the paramedics lie me on the stretcher and covers me with a blue blanket. I give into the sleep that I had been fighting.

I woke again sometime later, finding several doctors and nurse standing over me. I was about to speak when I’m gagging on something. I struggle to sit up and get whatever it was from my throat that I was gagging on.

“Liam!” a voice said as the hands that belonged to it pushed me back down on the bed, “Son, you need to relax, okay? I’m Dr. Jones. I’m going to help you okay? Right now there is a tube down your throat and its delivering special medicine to your tummy that will make you vomit in a little bit, okay? It’s going to be okay.”

My eyes widen and I shake my head frantically.

“Calm down son, I have a nurse going to get your mum now. You’ll be fine. We’ll have you fixed up in no time.”

I lie there, trying to figure out how to breathe and not gag and choke on the dang tube. My mother walks in and sees me, nearly running the rest of the way to me.

“Oh baby bear!” My mother said, stroking my cheek, “You gave us quite a scare!”

I rolled my eyes at that, she obviously didn’t get that I wasn’t just trying to scare them, I was trying to die. Like why can’t people get that?

“Niall, Louis, Zayn and Harry are in the waiting room. Ruth text them and told them what happened. Louis is beating himself up over this, saying that he should have seen it earlier. Niall’s crying because he said he was the one who cleaned the cuts for you and that he should have told me, but instead chose to keep your secret like you asked. Harry and Zayn are sort of in shock. Zayn said you were the glue that holds everyone together, so seeing you fall apart is sort of scary. But we’re all here for you. The doctor got your arm stitched up and they’re giving you some medicine now to make you throw up all the pills in your belly. After that they’ll keep you for a few hours then I’ll take you to the place where you can get the help you need, okay baby bear?” my mum said, stroking my hand with her thumb as she spoke. I simply nod, I was exhausted and it was too much to handle right now.

About 10 minutes later the doctor walks in, removing the tube, handing me a glass of water.

“I need you to drink that full glass as quickly as you can to activate the stuff in your tummy, okay? About 5 minutes after you drink it, you’ll begin to vomit. It will be a dark brown/gray colour so don’t worry. You’ll probably vomit on and off for about an hour. Once you’re done, that means, no vomiting for an hour and a half, we’ll keep you for two more hours to make sure you’re okay then you’ll be released.” The doctor said with a smile.

I nod, and sigh, sitting the water on the table next to me. No way was I going to drink that and “activate” the crap they put into my stomach.

“Liam, drink the water,” mum said, handing me the glass.

“No, I hate puking.” I reply in a monotone voice.

“Liam James Payne, drink the water or so help me.” My mother said.

I sigh, I couldn’t refuse her when she used that tone or when she used my full name. I chug the water, taking a breath here and there. I sigh, waiting for the magic to happen. A nurse walks in carrying a pink hospital bucket followed by 6 worried faces- Louis, Niall, Zayn, Harry, Nicola, and Ruth.

“Liam!” Louis cried, running over to me, throwing his arms around me, “Liam… holy crap are you okay?! Obviously not, stupid question. I’m so, so sorry that I didn’t notice anything was bothering you earlier, I should have noticed, then you wouldn’t be in this situation!”

I sigh, rubbing his back as he cried into my shoulder, “Louis, I’m fine. I didn’t want you to find out, that’s why I hid it. It’s fine.”

Louis sniffles, babbling on about how he still should have known. I gagged, pushing him away and my mum sticks the bucket in front of me and I began to puke profusely. This was horrible. I shake violently as I puke, Louis helps me to hold the bucket while my mother rubs my back. Once I get a break from the intense vomiting long enough to speak, I grab my wallet, pulling out a £5 note and hands it to Zayn. He looks at me quizzically.

“I know you have a weak stomach and aren’t good when other are getting sick. Can you go get me a soda or something from the cafeteria for when this is over?” I ask, feeling bad that everyone had to watch me puke.

Zayn nods, smiling, obviously glad to get out of there. He takes the note and hurries from the room. I immediately feel the vomiting rising in my throat and began, yet again, to expel the contents of my stomach.

This went on for nearly two freaking hours before I was finished. Harry text Zayn, telling him that it was safe to come back in, I was done. Zayn walks in a few minutes later to find a nurse hovering over me, wiping my face and hands clean, wrapping a thick blanket over my shoulders and yet another over my lap, as I was still shivering violently. She said that was normal after a) that much vomiting and b) it was a side effect of the medicine they had given me to cause vomiting. Zayn smiled, walking over and handing me a water bottle.

I took it and drank it, spitting some into the bucket to get the taste of vomit out of my mouth.

After a few hours, I’m released- mum said it was time to go and get help. I rolled my eyes at this. They can’t help me. Nobody can.

“Bye mate, we’ll see you soon, yeah?” Harry said, giving me a hug. I mumbled a response and hugged him back.

“See ya, Li. Get better soon, yeah? We need our glue back soon.” Zayn said, hugging me tightly. I hug him back, mumbling about how I will try.

“LiLi…..” Niall said, clinging to me like the tiny little thing he is. He’s the youngest of our group so we all look out for him.

“Ni, it will be okay. Stay close to Zayn, Lou, and Hazza while I’m gone, yeah?”

“Bye LiLi. Please come back to me soon!” Niall said, starting to cry. I hugged him even closer, I always had a soft spot for the kid. I promise him I’ll be back before he knows it.

“Liam… please… try to get better, for us, okay? We need you…” Louis said, hugging me, burying his face in my neck, “I need you.. I love you Li. Come back to us in one piece soon, yeah?”

“Yeah, I’ll try Lou. I love you too.” I reply with a sigh.

“Okay, we need to get going Li. Let’s go.” Mum said. I follow her out to the car and we’re on our way to the place that would “help” me.

We pull up to a very elaborate, obviously very expensive building. The sign above the door said London Mental Health Institute. I groan, this was going to suck. My mother leads me in and to the reception desk.

“Hello!” a red-headed lady says, way to chipper for my liking, “How can I help you today?”

“I’m checking my son, Liam Payne, in. We were scheduled to arrive a bit earlier, however, there was a small delay.” My mother said, handing over the doctor’s report from the hospital.

“Ah yes! We have you right here in the system. I’ll call up to the teen psych ward floor and have someone come down to retrieve Liam.” The lady said, picking up the phone.

Moments later a tiny framed woman with blonde hair with a faint pink streak in it walks in with a smile.

“Hey there. I’m Lou Teasdale. I work on the teen floor as a caretaker. I basically take you guys from activity to activity, stay with the level zero patients since they aren’t allowed off the floor, I lead you guys in group therapy and during guided writings.” The lady said.

“Hello Lou,” my mother said, “This is Liam, my son. We had an incident this morning. Here is a copy of the report.” My mother hands her the second copy and I sigh.

“No worries. Now, does Liam take any medications daily or on an as need basis? If so, I need those now so I can store them in the locked medication room.”

“Yes actually,” my mother said, pulling a small bag from her purse, “he take allergy medicine every morning, he gets migraines about once a week so there’s the prescription strength medication from his doctor for that, and his inhaler. He doesn’t need that too much, usually only when he works out too hard or gets really worked up over something.” She hands the bag to Lou and turns to me.

“Goodbye my sweet baby bear. I’ll come visit soon, okay? I love you so, so much. Get better okay?” mum said, hugging me.

“Yeah, sure mom. I’ll jump right on that.” I replied in a dry voice. She sighs, kissing my head, telling me she loves me again before pulling away and walking out the door with a wave.

“Alright then Liam!” Lou said, great, another chipper personality to deal with.

I look up at her, picking up my duffel bag.

“Let’s go to a room over here and we can get started on your intake.” Lou said, leading me to a small office room.

I follow and drop my bad inside the door, flopping into a chair.

“Okie dokie!” Lou said, “We need your height and weight, we need to get your blood pressure and pulse, we need to get pictures and catalog any evidence of self-harm on your body, a blood sample, we also need to do a full-body check to a) make sure we get all the evidence of self-harm, and b) make sure you’re not hiding anything, and I’ll need you to fill out a sheet about yourself. I’ll get you started on the sheet now while I go and get a few supplies. This room is being monitored live by a camera, so don’t try anything.” She hands me a clipboard with a paper on it and a felt-tip pen before walking out.

I look at the paper- it was the basics, or what I would assume the basics for a place like this; name, age, address, reason for admittance, on a level of 1-10 how suicidal are you, are you self-harming- if so where on your body, how long have you been harming yourself, along with a few other I couldn’t remember. I answer the questions and sit the clipboard on her desk and close my eyes in the recliner I was sitting in. I was tired after the days’ events.

After a few more minutes Lou walks back in and smiles.

“Okay! I’m going to get started, okay? First we’ll do your pulse and blood pressure, followed by the blood sample. After that height and weight. Then we’ll go ahead and catalog any evidence of self-harm then we’ll finish with the body-check, okay?”

I nod, not really caring. She takes my blood pressure and pulse, then takes a blood sample. About half way through it I begin to feel very lightheaded and woozy.

“L-Lou?” I say, trying to focus.

“Yeah Liam?” she said, looking up at me, eyes going wide, “Oh my goodness! Are you alright?!”

“I don’t feel too good… I’m getting really lightheaded and starting to see stars…” I reply. Lou pulls the needle from my arm, bandaging it, grabbing her radio, calling for some juice and crackers.

“You’re gonna be okay here in just a few Liam. I don’t get why you suddenly got so ill from just a little bit of blood being taken.” Lou said, pulling up my file and taking the juice and crackers from the person who delivered them.

“Okay, here, drink this and eat the crackers, it will help you to feel better.” She said, putting a children juice box and a pack of 6 crackers in front of me.

“Can I have water instead?” I asked- juice had too many calories and too much sugar.

“You need the sugar in the juice to help get your blood sugar levels back up.” Lou said, still looking at the computer screen with my file up. I take a deep breath and shovel the crackers in drinking the juice quickly, thinking about the horrid things I just ingested. I cover my mouth, refusing to let myself expel what I just ate at an alarming rate. I needed to prove to them that I was fine.

“Oh crap, Liam, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize the incident this morning included blood loss. That would explain why you got so light headed. Your body was still recovering and making new blood cells from earlier. We’ll take more in a few days after you’ve recovered, okay?”

I nod, not really caring. I just wanted to go to sleep.

“Okay, next we’ll need to get some pictures of your self-harming, okay? I know this may be awkward and uncomfortable, but I need you to remove all of your clothes, okay? The sooner you cooperate, the sooner we can get you upstairs and into bed.” Lou said with a smile.

I sigh, I didn’t wanna strip butt naked in front of someone I just met. Lou nudges me and I groan, standing, removing my shirt, pants, socks, and after a deep breath, my boxers.

“This will be quick, promise. Arms and legs out like a starfish please.” She said, grabbing a camera. I was on fire right now, this was so embarrassing being so exposed. Lou takes pictures of the cuts and scars on my arm and the few on my leg. She sits the camera down.

“Okay Liam, now comes the part that most people hate more than anything about intake. I’m going to need you to put your hands on the wall and spread your legs, okay? I need to check for any drugs, weapons, or other prohibited items.”

“Wait what?” I ask flabbergasted.

“We’ve had patients who try to hide items inside of them. Be thankful you’re not a girl and have to have both areas checked. Now, just relax Liam, it’ll be over before you know it.” Lou said as she put medical-grade gloves on and gently inserted two fingers into my rear. I winced at the intrusion. I may be gay, but even at 17 I’m still a virgin- and by virgin I mean complete virgin. Yeah, that’s right, I’ve never even touched myself. Growing up I was taught that it was wrong, so yeah. Anyways, Lou finishes after about 30 seconds and pulls the gloves off with a smile.

“You’re good Liam. Now last thing is height and weight. You can put your boxers on for now. Then I need you to step up on the scale for me, okay?” Lou said, handing me my boxers.

I slip them on and step on the scale, it begins to beep. While it’s making noise Lou gets my height written down.

“You’re 180 cm (5 ft. 11 in. in America) tall. Standard for someone your age. Let’s get your weight now.” Lou said, looking down at the scale. Her face turned to a puzzled look, “step off for a second, will you Liam? I’m going to reset the scale.”

I climbed off, chewing on my lip. I was tired, cold, and I missed the lads back home as well as my mum- even if she did send me to this hell hole.

“Okay,” Lou said, putting the scale back down, “Climb back up on there.”

“I climb up and it beeps doing the same thing as last time. Lou’s mouth drops open.

“O-okay, you can step off now,” she scribbles the numbers of the scale on the paper, “Liam, you’re dangerously underweight. Someone of your height at your age, should weigh anywhere from 150-175. You’re 132 pounds. This is like really dangerous, we’re going to need to get you to get some meat on your bones before it’s too late. Now, I’ll let you get dressed and we’ll go up to the teen floor and I’ll show you the ropes before bed.

“Let me just check your bag really quick before we go up.” Lou said, as she took my bag from me, checking every nook and cranny. When she was done we walking out of the room and to a closet.

“Now, what size pants and shirt do you wear?” she asked.

“Um… I’d say an extra-large I guess.” I replied. Lou pulls out 8 bundles of sweats- 2 red, 2 green, 2 blue, and 2 gray.

“Okay, green sweats are for Mondays and Wednesdays and Sundays. Blue is Tuesdays and Fridays, red is for Thursdays, and Saturdays. You sleep in the green. The clothes you brought, the jeans and dress shirt are for church services on Sunday mornings and graduation day, whenever that is. She then labels my shampoo and soap box with my name from a label maker and writes LJP, my initials, on my towel tags. She hands me a sheet of 25 labels with my full name and I put it in my bag. She then hands me a composition notebook and 3 felt tip pens, again, I put them in my bag. She then prints a bracelet on a piece of that plasticy-hospital paper and puts it around my wrist. The bracelet read:

Liam James Payne, 17  
ID: 08290093  
Room 3B  
Dr: Andrew O’Riley  
Group: purple

“Now, let’s get you up to your room. When we get in there, I want you to put those labels on everything you brought.” She said, leading me to an elevator. She pushes the up arrow. As we enter she presses the button for floor 6 and puts her finger on a scanner. It turns green and buzzes, doors closing and up we go.

Once arriving on the floor Lou leads me out.

“Now,” Lou said, leading me to a large white board across from the nurses station, “This is the schedule for the day,” she said pointing to the left side then she pointed to the right side and said, “and this is the patient records board. Here you see what level you are at and how many merits and demerits you get each day. After three demerits, you drop a level. There are five levels. Once you reach a new one, you will be told how to achieve the next one. Right now, you are level zero. To reach level one you need to perform your duties, arrive in the lounge for check time right after duties. Check time includes meds, vitals, body inspection, and the morning news, arrive on time and participate in three of the four therapy sessions, go to task aka art, go to school, and eat all your food at meal times.”

“What are duties?” I asked, honestly it sounded weird to me.

“Duties are chores. They include, making you bed, brushing your teeth, combing your hair, changing your clothes from green to that day’s color. Once you are done with duties, you must come over here to the lounge for check time. Then you will be given breakfast on the floor, level zero’s must eat on the floor until they reach level one. Once level one has been achieved, you may go with the rest of the patients to the cafeteria. After you eat you will come over to this board and see what the schedule is for the day and follow it. If you have any questions, ask me, someone else, or ask someone to come get me.”

“Yeah, okay.” I say, yawning.

Lou smiles softly, “let’s get you to your room. You must be exhausted from the day. The boy who was supposed to be your roommate actually was released today, so you will get a room to yourself for now on. You may or may not get a roommate later in time. Now, follow me and I’ll help you to get settled in.” Lou led me to a room, my name on the door.

We enter and I sit my stuff down on a bed.

“Alright, put your clothes in the drawer under your bed, put your shower and bathroom stuff away in the bathroom, then go ahead and put the labels on your things and store them away. There are drawers in the desk for you to use. Someone comes in every 15 minutes or so to check on all patients and you will be awoken at 7 am. Any questions?” Lou asked, standing in the doorway.

I shake my head and begin to put things away. Lou bids me goodnight and walks out, closing the door. I sigh and get to work on labeling my items, putting everything away, and change into my gray sweats outfit. I then grab my journal (it’s not a diary!) and I begin to write. Now here we are. Today has been absolutely insane. I’m pissed that I’m here, I’m pissed at my mum for sending me here, I miss the lads, but honestly as of right now, I just want to be dead. This isn’t worth “getting better” as everyone calls it. So far this place is hell. I’m going to bed- at least I have Mr. Bear here with me.

Liam xx


	3. Journal 3, Entry 5 pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is Liam's first day at London Mental Health Institute like? Read more to find out!

**_22 February, 2011; 9:26 pm_ **

Today was my first full day at the London Mental Health Institute. Yeah, it sucked, but to be honest, I would rather be here than at school. It’s a lot better than being shoved in lockers and yelled at that I’ve eaten all the food in the house. So I guess I should record what a day is like around this hell hole.

_LMHI Teen Ward Schedule_

_7:00 am: wake up_

_7:05 am: duties_

_7:15 am: meet in lounge for body check*, vitals, and morning news_

_7:35 am: breakfast**_

_8:00 am: first group session_

_9:00 am: guided writing*** and individual therapy_

_10:00 am: school****_

_11:15 am: second group session_

_12:15 pm: lunch**_

_1:00 pm: task*****_

_2:00 pm: rest/quiet time in rooms_

_2:45 pm: third group session_

_3:45 pm: free time within the lounge and rooms_

_4:45 pm: supper**_

_5:30 pm: evening individual therapy_

_7:00 pm: snack and TV time******_

_8:00 pm: bed prep *******_

_8:30 pm: in bed doing a quiet activity_

_9:00 pm: lights out_

_KEY:_

_*: body check: when the staff members check each patient for signs of self-harm from the past night._

_**: level zero must eat on the floor. Level one and above may go to the cafeteria._

_***: guided writing: prompted journaling_

_****: school: level two and above go to small classrooms where english, history, and math are taught._

_o             Levels zero and one have another group session in this time_

_*****: task: art class_

_o             Levels zero and one have another group session in this time_

_******: level zero, one and two get 30 minutes of tv time w/ no snack and levels three, four, and five are allowed to sit and watch TV and have a snack of one drink and one piece of food._

_*******: bed prep: nightly routine. Getting ready for bed by, changing to green sweats, brushing teeth and hair, evening medications._

_Levels:_

_Zero: new patients, been there less than 24 hours_

_One: newer patients, been there between one and three days_

_Two: patients who have been there for at least one week_

_Three: patients who have been there for at least two weeks_

_Four: patients who have been there for at least three weeks_

_Five: patients who have been there for a month or more_

_**green sweats are for Monday, Wednesday, and Sunday. Blue is for Tuesday and Friday. Red is for Thursday and Saturday. Gray is for sleeping._

 

So when I first woke up this morning, I just went through the motions doing what these weirdo’s call “duties” then I went into the stupid lounge place and they did the lame check thing- did I mention I got in trouble for scratching open my old cuts last night and picking at my stitches? I don’t really care though, they can’t do anything since I’m still a level zero. After the whole incident in the lounge with me screaming at Tim, today’s “caretaker” as they’re called around here, we’re taken to eat breakfast. Since I’m a level zero I had to eat on the floor. There were a few others, I only remember the names of 3 of the girls- CeCe, McKenzie, and Andi. They were level ones so they still had to stay on the floor with me. We sit and eat, believe it or not, and I talk with them- shocker I know. This is what I have learned about the three girls so far.

CeCe- she’s 16, she’s in here for multiple personalities. Her personalities are 2 girls and 1 boy. The girls are Jessica, Leah, and the boy is Max.

Andi- she’s 15 and she’s in here for a Possessive Disorder. I’m not sure what it is exactly, but from what I gathered, she has certain items that she’s like… possessive over. So if someone messes with them, she goes crazy. I hope I don’t find that item she is possessive over.

McKenzie- she’s 17 and beautiful. The other girls are gorgeous too, but there’s something about McKenzie. Anyways, she’s in here for something called Age-Regression Disorder and depression. Apparently, McKenzie will turn into a little girl… like mentally. I guess she’ll mentally become like a toddler or something?

So after breakfast it was time for group therapy. Now that is awful. I have to announce who I am and why I was there. We talked about why suicide isn’t an answer. I kept arguing that suicide isn’t necessarily a bad thing, that it’s an escape route when you have no where else to go that’s comfortable or safe. I got in trouble- they sent me to my therapist right away. I spent nearly 2 hours talking to Dr. Andrew O’Riley. He’s sort of a cool guy- but I still don’t like him or anyone here really.

Crap! They’re doing rounds and we’re supposed to be asleep! I guess I’m going to have to finish this tomorrow.

Liam xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are suicidal, feeling like you want to harm yourself, or anything else of the nature, please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). If you aren't but you have been through this situation at some point and want someone to talk to- I'm always here. Again, feel free to email me- K3nzi3kins13@gmail.com
> 
> Much love,  
>  McKenzie


	4. Journal 3, Entry 5 pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here is Liam's next chapter. In this chapter another patient goes crazy and Liam comes to the rescue of one of his new friends! What will happen next?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you so much for reading this! I don't want to give much away about the story just yet, but the way things run in the place that the boy goes is going to be the same as where I was. Yes, I was in the same place as the boy in the story. I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> *NOTE: its implied that the boy in the story has 2 other journals that hes filled over the years. This is his third journal
> 
> Any questions- email them to me k3nzi3kins13@gmail.com
> 
> much love,  
>  McKenzie

**23 February, 2011; 10:00 am**

I guess I’ll finish about yesterday. I don’t have much time right now, hopefully I’ll finish tonight. Right now we have the mandatory journaling time which is only 30 minutes. So, I guess I’ll get started on finishing about yesterday.

So after the two hour talk with Dr. O’Riley I went back to the group in the lounge. We had finished group therapy and a little more than half of the group was at either what these people call art class- task, or school.

Tim was sitting in a chair with a few other around him. Those people being McKenzie, Andi, CeCe, and four other people. It was 1 girl and 3 boys. Daisy, Luke, Mitch, and Ben. We sat in a circle of chairs/on a couch/in lounge chairs.

“So, what do you guys want to do?” Tim asked, “we can journal, talk, have some time to draw, or we can just have quiet time.”

In the end some decided to journal and others, like me, decided to draw. As I began to draw, Tim starts talking to us. But honestly, I wasn’t paying attention, I was too busy concentrating on my drawing. Before I left home for this place Zayn was teaching me to draw better. I was working on a picture of Batboy and The Mighty Cowboy. It’s a comic book idea I was working on that I would, somehow, show Zayn. I think it turned out okay. I’ll have to get Zayn to fix it up or finish it off. So as I worked, I heard some commotion. I look up to see Mitch harassing CeCe and McKenzie. I guess they had lost interest in drawing or journaling so they were playing Tic-Tac-Toe. I guess Mitch didn’t like that they weren’t doing exactly what they’re supposed to. Turns out the reason he was in here was for the need to be in control and not being able to break the rules. Like he always did anything anyone asked immediately. He gets mad at people who don’t listen, do as their told, or whatever.

So anyways, as we were relaxing and doing our work, Mitch started going off on the girls. He grabbed McKenzie by the hair, pulling her out of the chair and onto the floor. He then pulled the paper from CeCe and tore it up, screaming about how they were supposed to be drawing or journaling, that this was breaking the rules.

Tim immediately grabbed his radio and called for some help. Two large men, Paul and Sandy, came in and grabbed Mitch, taking him to I guess the Quiet Room as they called it. It was basically the stereotypical white padded room. I toss my drawings on the table and run over to McKenzie to make sure she was okay. She was sniffling and rubbing her head. I kneel down next to her.

“You okay?” I ask, touching her shoulder. She simply nodded, wiping her eyes.

“Do you need me to get Tim to take you to the infirmary?” I said softly, still rubbing her back. McKenzie sniffled again and snuggled into me.

I smiled, rubbing her back, she was such a sweet girl.

“LiLi.” A tiny voice rang out. I gasped a bit and looked down at the small green-eyed girl. I smiled.

“Yeah McKenzie?” I asked.

“Mine.” She said hugging me closer. I then realized…. McKenzie had become the child inside of her head.

Crap! I have to close the book down now, it’s time for lunch. I’ll finish the story about McKenzie next time. Let me just say, little McKenzie is cuter than the big McKenzie, if that’s even possible.

Liam xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are suicidal, feeling like you want to harm yourself, or anything else of the nature, please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). If you aren't but you have been through this situation at some point and want someone to talk to- I'm always here. Again, feel free to email me- K3nzi3kins13@gmail.com
> 
> Much love,  
>  McKenzie


	5. Authors Notes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just a little, but important, note from the author. thanks again for reading! :)

HI everyone! So first of all, thank you so much for reading! I can't believe sch a silly little story has 496 hits! God bless you! 

 

So, just a little note.   
A) sorry that the updates are sporadic- this story is sort of hard to write and I have to be in the right frame of mind and be careful when I'm writing. I tend to "slip into Liam's character" when writing sometimes. So if that does happen I will take a few days break before writing again. 

B) Does anyone get the references I made? What is Liam working on for his comics? Batboy and the Mighty Cowboy? Who is that based off of? Answer right and you'll get a shout out in the next chapter!

C) What do YOU think should happen next? I may put your idea in a future chapter! You can comment on here or email me k3nzi3kins13@gmail.com with your idea!

 

thanks again for reading! 

Kenzie


	6. Journal 3, Entry 5 pt. 3 and Entries 6-7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens with McKenzie? Who does Liam see one morning after breakfast and checks?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you so much for reading this! I don't want to give much away about the story just yet, but the way things run in the place that the boy goes is going to be the same as where I was. Yes, I was in the same place as the boy in the story. I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> *NOTE: its implied that the boy in the story has 2 other journals that hes filled over the years. This is his third journal
> 
> Any questions- email them to me k3nzi3kins13@gmail.com
> 
> much love,  
>  McKenzie

**23 February, 2011; 9:27 pm**

So, to finish the story about McKenzie.

“Mine.” McKenzie repeated. I smiled, pulling her into my lap.

“Yeah, yours.” I said. Jeeze she’s adorable!

Andi walked over and sat down with us.

“Kenzie, do you have a boo-boo?” Andi asked, touching McKenzie’s head where she had been rubbing.

McKenzie shrugged and rubs again this time with a whimper. Andi pulled her hands away and gently touched the spot on her head. McKenzie cried out and pushed her hand away.

“No! Daddy Leeyum look!” McKenzie said. I smile softly, she called me Daddy Liam… that so cute. I then touched her head and looked for any injuries. She hissed at me. I didn’t see anything so I called Tim over.

“Yeah, Liam?” he asked.

“I think she has a bump on her head.” I replied.

“It seemed kinda big too.” Andi said, holding McKenzie’s hand as Tim inspected the bump I had pointed out.

“Doesn’t seem like anything too big. We’ll get an ice pack for it. If she starts complaining of a headache or something, let me know immediately, okay?”

Andi and I nod. I sit and hold McKenzie as Andi and CeCe go to get her stuffed bunny and a kiddy board game. The four of us sit and play, talking, and McKenzie and I cuddle.

 

**28 February, 2011; 8:49 pm**

I haven’t written in days. I was telling my therapist about how I keep this journal and he said he wanted to read it. I wasn’t really okay with it- it’s like my personal thing. He said however that as my therapist he needed to see it to be sure that I was “safe” – whatever. I think its bull crap to be honest.

Anyways, 2 nights ago I awoke to a knocking on my door. It was Lou, the lady who admitted me the first night. I groggily opened my eyes and looked at my clock- 2:22 am.

“Huh?” I ask, rubbing my eyes.

“Liam… hey. Listen, I’m sorry to wake you up but McKenzie went to bed and I guess Tim or Julie didn’t pull her from her headspace. So she’ll be in child-mode for a few days and not be able to pull out. Anyways, she woke from a nightmare and is crying and shaking in her, CeCe and Andi’s room. Usually one of the two of them can comfort her, but tonight she’s crying for Daddy Liam. The girls said that was you. C-Could you come and help McKenzie to get back to sleep?” Lou asked, rambling on and on before biting her lip. I smile standing, sliding on my bear slippers and grabbing my t-shirt, throwing it on with a nod.

Lou leads me to the girls’ room and I smile even wider when I see CeCe and Andi, trying to get McKenzie to calm down. She was sitting on her bed which had two plastic kiddy guard rails on it. CeCe and Andi were trying to sing to her, playing with McKenzie’s bunny, or trying to read to her.

“Hey Princess.” I said with a smile, walking in.

“DADDY!” McKenzie cried, reaching up for me. I go over to her and pull her into a hug, rocking her back and forth.

“Let’s read a story and snuggle with Mr. Bun-Bun, yeah?”

She nods, grabbing her bunny and wipes her eyes, sniffling. I climbed on the bed next to her and pulled her into me, wrapping the blanket around her and opened the book to read. It was about a penguin who had magic pee….

I love being McKenzie’s “daddy.”

 

**March 2, 2011; 12:30 pm**

It’s quiet journaling time. This morning after breakfast, I got the biggest surprise of my life. Well first I should say that I’m level one now! The girls are still level one as well. Anyways, onto the surprise. After we ate breakfast and did our morning vital/safety checks, we were introduced to our newest member- aka resident crazy. Except…. Well…. This person isn’t a stranger. My heart broke when I saw the small feather-like brown haired boy with blue eyes. He chewed at his lip and looked at me then to the ground.

I jumped up and ran over, pulling him into a hug.

“Boobear… why? What happened?” I begged.

Louis shook his head, snuggling into me.

“Ryan?” I asked today’s caretaker.

“Yes Liam?” He replied.

“Could I have a few minutes alone with Louis? We’re best friends back home. Please…. I need to know what’s going on… PLEASE!” I begged.

Ryan sighed, nodding, “15 minutes. Stay in this room. You can go to the corner over there.” He replied. I hug Louis and lead him to the corner and sit in a chair with Louis next to me in another.

Louis looked at me then sighed, staring at the ground.

“Louis? Boobear…” I started, “What’s going on?”

“I’m sorry….” He said. I squeezed his hand. I loved Louis, more than a friend. I. AM. IN. LOVE. WITH. MY. BEST. FRIEND. LOUIS. WILLIAM. TOMLINSON! There I said it.

“Boo… I could never be mad at you. What’s going on?”

“I couldn’t deal with you being gone Li… I felt so empty, alone, broken… it was like a part of me had died…” he said, wiping tears away.

“Oh Louis!” I said, pulling him into my lap.

“I couldn’t eat, sleep, function… anything. My mum drug me here early this morning. I just… I’m sorry Liam. I missed you, I felt just broken without you.”

“Boobear…” I said as I cuddled him close, “I’m so glad you’re here, sure I wish it was on better terms, but you’re here, I’m here, we’re here together. Let’s try and recover together, yeah?”

Louis smiles a bit and nods.

“Li-bear?” he asked. I looked up.

“Hhmm? I asked, still stroking his hair.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Lou.”

“No Liam. I LOVE YOU. Like more than the brotherly love that I feel for Ni, Haz, and Zayn.”

“Oh Louis! I say, pulling him into a hug. I love you so, so much. I was always afraid to say anything!” I know it would break the rules but I kiss him long and hard. He smiled, kissing back.

After a few minutes we go back to the group who was starting group therapy.

“Daddy Leeyum!” I hear a tiny voice call.

“Hi princess!” I said, pulling her into my lap. Louis gives me a confused look. I smile and quickly explain McKenzie’s condition. Louis smiles and introduces himself.

“Hi McKenzie! I’m Louis, I’m… Daddy Liam’s boyfriend.” Louis said with a laugh but he was clearly beaming.

“Daddy Wou!” McKenzie said, hugging him too.

So yeah, Louis and I are sitting here, holding each other close as we write or draw. McKenzie lying on the floor with her colouring book next to us. I sort of feel like I have the perfect little family…..

I’ll write more later.

Liam xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are suicidal, feeling like you want to harm yourself, or anything else of the nature, please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). If you aren't but you have been through this situation at some point and want someone to talk to- I'm always here. Again, feel free to email me- K3nzi3kins13@gmail.com
> 
> Much love,  
>  McKenzie


	7. Journal 3, entry 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its a big day at LMHI!

3 March, 2011; 9:58 pm  
Fathers Day  
Today is Fathers Day. My dad and mum are coming by later to visit. I’m still not allowed visitors but we’re having a Fathers Day celebration here this afternoon.   
So, this morning during group therapy, McKenzie was “big” and she was sitting next to me and Andi. Louis was sitting on my other side, snuggled into me. He was doing a bit better today, I’d say.   
As we sat and talked about how we were feeling and what we had to look forward to in the next few days. Today’s caretaker, Jack, told us that everyone’s parents would come today for a Fathers Day visit. I smiled a bit, yeah I’ll admit, It would be awesome to see my parents again.   
Jack sighed, looking at McKenzie.   
“McKenzie, stay with us, c’mon. Don’t slip. Talk to us. What are you feeling right now?”  
McKenzie whimpered, shaking her head and began sucking her thumb. I could tell she was regressing. CeCe put her arms around McKenzie.  
“Her parents dropped her here and like left town. She doesn’t have parents, no one wants her except for the few of us here.” CeCe said, hugging a trembling McKenzie. I placed an arm around McKenzie’s shoulders and smiled.  
“I want you. Lou and I will be your daddies forever and ever.” I promised her.  
“Daddy Leeyum.” McKenzie said with a small smile, “Daddy Wou.”  
Jack sits and we continue to talk. After a while the higher level patients go to art and school for the day. Us level zeros and ones are still up on the level.   
“So what do you wanna do for art today?” Jack asks?  
“Lets make Fathers Day cards for our dads for when they get here later!” CeCe said excitedly.   
“That’s actually a great idea, CeCe!” Jack said, getting markers, paper, stickers, safety scissors (of course), and other materials. So, we begin to work on cards.   
McKenzie sighed, grabbing her reading book and walked to the couch to read- well, more like pretend. I don’t think she can read at this “age.”   
Andi walked over to her and hugged her.  
“What’s wrong wee one?” she asked with a smile.   
“No daddy to make card for!” McKenzie replied with a tear escaping her left eye. She and Andi talked for a little while before both returned to the table. McKenzie got to work a few chairs down from me. She was doodling a picture, something I assumed Andi got her to work on to get her mind off of it. `  
Later that day as our parents arrived McKenzie stuck to me like glue. I smiled, deciding I may as well introduce her to my parents.   
My dad and mummy walk in and I smile, embracing them after telling McKenzie to stay in the chair until I tell her to come over. After about 25 minutes, I tell my parents about McKenzie, her story, how her parents left her. I then tell them how I’m her “daddy” when she’s tiny.   
I then call her over to meet my parents. She comes running over and throws her arms around me.   
“Daddy Leeyum!” she giggle, hugging me tight. I scooped her up, sitting her on my lap.  
“Hi princess!” I replied before introducing her to my mum and dad. Both were as in love with her as I am.   
“You give yer daddy the card?” She asked me with a smile. I hadn’t, so I hand my dad the card I had made it. It was a simple card that had him and I as superheroes on it. He smiled, hugging me.  
“Its amazing, Li. I really love it.” He said, looking at it again.  
“I give daddy my card nows?” McKenzie asked me.  
“You made my dad a card?” I asked with a smile. She shook her head, handing me a card. My heart grew about 100 sizes and tears formed my eyes.  
“It fer you.” She said smiling at me. I looked at it. It was for me and Louis. It had a picture of me, her, and Louis holding hands.  
“Oh McKenzie! Its perfect baby!” I said smiling.   
“Wuvs daddy.” She said, snuggling before falling asleep. I smile, holding her as my parents and I talk.   
Its late and I’m tired, so I’ll write more later. Lets just say my “first fathers day” was pretty awesome.  
Liam xx


	8. Journal 3, Entry 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A super cute chapter!! McKenzie regresses during the middle of the night!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are suicidal, feeling like you want to harm yourself, or anything else of the nature, please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). If you aren't but you have been through this situation at some point and want someone to talk to- I'm always here. Again, feel free to email me- K3nzi3kins13@gmail.com
> 
> Much love,  
>  McKenzie

**_4 May, 2011 1:00 pm_ **

So, last night was interesting to say the least. So we sat playing Monopoly before bed in the lounge. That was the first time I saw my Louis smiling in days. I’m horrible at this game. So as we sat playing I watched McKenzie, who was “big” at the time, quickly ran out of money. We all laughed and I gave her a loan. After a rather short amount of time she ran out of that too.

“Oi! Kenz! You’re so poor in this game! Your parents were probably the same fucking way! That’s probably the same fucking reason that they dropped your sorry arse off here!” CeCe said laughing- it as almost like she’s drunk on anger and sadness. There was something off with CeCe tonight. I think it was because of the fight she had with her parents yesterday.

McKenzie tensed up, a few tears forming.

“Shit… McKenzie… I’m SO, SO, SO sorry!” CeCe said, reaching out to take her hand, “forgive me? That was so not okay for me to say! I love you.”

“I… yeah sure… I forgive you… I…I’m going to go to bed…. N-night…” McKenzie said with a large frown. With that she got up and hurried into the girls’ room, G4. I sighed and we continue to play. After only a few minutes we are told its time to clean up and get ready for bed. Louis and I go to the med counter and get our prescribed medications and go to our room. After brushing our teeth and changing our sweats, we kiss goodnight before getting into our individual beds and going to sleep. I guess I fell asleep quickly.

The next thing I knew, there was a knocking at my door. I looked at the illuminated clock on the wall, it was 3:19 am. The door opened and there stood Dr. O’Riley.

“Liam?” he asked.

“Yeah?” I say in a thick, sleep-filled voice.

“McKenzie has regressed over a nightmare. She’s in the girls room, shaking and sobbing. We’re pretty worried. Even in her regressed state, she’s talking suicidal. Could you try and help her? I mean, I know she thinks of you as her daddy when she’s like this…. So…”

“Yeah, shit yes!” I say, jumping up and throwing on my sweat pants and t-shirt. I slide on my slippers and Dr. O’Riley hurries me into the girls’ room after making sure CeCe and Andi were decent. I walk in and find McKenzie crying on the floor in the corner with a small blanket over her.

“She woke from a nightmare, sobbing, and immediately regressed. When I tried to help her, she immediately swung at me, kicking, screaming. That’s when she sobbed and threw herself into that corner, hitting the wall. We tried to help but she just thrashed even more and hit herself on the wall and floor. We put a blanket over her and called to a nurse who got Dr. O’Riley who tried to help but couldn’t. So he got you and now you’re here.” Andi explained.

I nod, going to McKenzie. I knee next to her and rub her back. She immediately thrashes and swings at me.

“No, Kenzie,” I say, “Princess, its daddy, its okay. C’mere, yeah?” I said.

“Daddy?” her tiny, weak, sad voice called out.

“Yeah baby, I’m right here. What’s wrong?”

“B-b-bad d-d-dweam!” she cried as I pulled her into my lap and wipe her tears.

“Ssshh… you’re okay now. Daddy’s here, yeah? What was the dream about?”

“B-big m-m-monkey t-t-twy to k-k-kills me!” she wailed. I hugged her and wiped her tears again.

I grabbed her stuffed bunny and a story book and sat against the wall. We read a short story and she settled down. After I picked her up and put her in bed. She started to cry again and clung to me.

“Daddy no go! No go!” she cried.

“I have to baby. We both need to go night-night now.” I say.

“Liam?” Dr. O’Riley said.

“Yeah?” I asked turning as I still rubbed McKenzie’s back.

“We set up the extra 3rd bed in your and Louis’s room. We put it against the wall and put a bed rail on it for her. She can go sleep with you tonight if you want. It may be the only way to get her to sleep.”

“Yeah, that sounds great. Then I can watch her and make sure she’s okay.” I reply. I really cared for the girl, big or little.

“C’mon, Princess. You’re gonna come sleep with daddy Liam and daddy Louis tonight. Get your blankie and bunny.” I tell her.

“Yah.” She said. She grabs her little pink and green blanket and her stuffed bunny and reached up. I pick her up and put her on my hip.

“Night Kenzie.” Andi and CeCe say.

“Uh-oh!” McKenzie cried out.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Gooed potty.” She said and as soon as she did I felt the warmth on my clothing and skin.

“Oh yeah, we forgot to mention. She typically uses nappies when she’s regressed. Hasn’t quite gotten potty training yet.” Andi said, handing me a few nappies and some wipes.

“Gee, thanks.” I said laughing as I took them in my other hand. CeCe gets another pair of clothes for McKenzie and hands them to me. I take the items and her to my and Louis’s room. He’s sitting on the bed reading when I walk in. I lie McKenzie on the floor of our bedroom and quickly change her into a nappie and a new outfit.

“Daddy Liam is going to put you down on your bed now, okay? I need to shower since you went wee on me. Daddy Louis will be here. Maybe he can read to you!” I say with a smile as I pick her up.

“Tay.” She said with a yawn. I lie her down on her bed and cover her up, kissing her forehead, lying her blankie and bunny next to her.

I go to the door and call out to a nurse.

“You okay Liam? Do you need to see your doctor? Do you need some medicine?” She asked worriedly.

“No, no, I’m fine. Um, could I take a shower really quick?” I asked. I think it was ridiculous that we had to ask permission to shower around here.

“Liam, its 3:45 am. You cannot take a shower at this time.” She said.

“I’ve been peed on.”

“You wet yourself? I’ll have to alert your doctor and take you to the infirmary to get checked out.”

“Ugh no!” I yell, “I didn’t wet the bed! I GOT PEED ON! McKenzie weed on me!”

“She’s in her room Liam, you need to go back to bed. You’re out of control tonight. I’m going to call your doctor and see if he wants to have an emergency session with you. This is so out of character for you.”

“What’s all the racket?” Dr. O’Riley asked, walking up.

“Oh! Doctor! I was getting ready to call you. Liam here is acting up. He wants to shower at 3:45 am. He’s claiming that McKenzie Harper urinated on him. However, she’s in her room and he has been in his until now.”

“Shelly,” Dr. O’Riley said, “You just got here so you haven’t been caught up yet. McKenzie woke up from a nightmare and regressed. Since she views Liam as daddy we had to get him to calm her down. She’s in his and Louis’s room now. She did go wee on him when he carried her in here. Go shower Liam, its fine.”

“Thanks.” I said. I then hurried to go shower. When I walk out, Louis is sitting on the edge of McKenzie’s bed, rubbing her back and singing Little Things. It was a song the guys and I wrote. I smile and join him. I see “little” McKenzie snuggled up with her stuffed animal and blankie. She was almost asleep but there was a tiny smile on her face. Louis and I kiss her forehead before turning out the lights and crawling into bed. I fell asleep after a few minutes.

Next thing I knew, a nurse was pounding on the door saying that it was time to get up this morning.

Xx Liam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what do you think should happen next? Taking ideas now!


	9. Authors Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This isn't a chapter- its an authors note! Please Please Please read!!

Hey y'all! How're you? :)

So, what do you think of the story so far? What's your favourite part? What do you think should happen next? Any ideas?

 

I have a question- is anyone able to help me write some sexual scenes down the road? I'm not necessarily ~~comfortable~~ good at writing them. If you're able to help me, comment here or email me k3nzi3kins13@gmail.com 

 

I'd really appreciate the help! i love you my lovely readers and thank you for the support! God bless!

 

Kenzie


	10. Journal 3 entry 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three new patients enter the hospital, how will it affect Liam, Louis, McKenzie, and the gang?

_5 May, 2011 3:45 pm_

 

I’m finally able to write today. I spent most of my day in emergency therapy. Apparently my journaling this morning and yesterday afternoon were cause for concern among staff members. I should probably start from the beginning, yeah?

So this morning started off like any other. I woke up, but I was rather tired after the events of last night, after to a nurse pounding on my door. I get up and change my sweats, brush my teeth, wet down my bedhead hair and give Louis a good morning kiss.

“How’re you doin?” I asked Louis, trying to figure out how he’s been feeling lately.

“I dunno Li. I mean I feel better being around you, yeah? So I guess I’m fine.” He says.

“I hope so. As much as I love you being here, I want you to get better and leave. This isn’t a place for someone so perfect and lovely like you.”

“Aw Li.”

We walk out for the morning routine. I got in trouble for reopening some old but healing cuts with a paperclip I snatched from the staff members yesterday. We’re then given breakfast and sent to group therapy. I flop down next to Louis, McKenzie (who thankfully had come out as an adult this morning), CeCe, and Andi.

“Now I want all of you to write what you’re feeling right now.” Tim said. We take out our journals and write. I write 3 small things, just stuff that comes to my mind.

_Thought I was making progress_

_Guess that I was wrong._

_I’m trapped_

_A prisoner_

_In my own head._

_Left to my own thoughts and devices,_

_Not usually good._

_Often ways to end it, dance through_

_End it all_

_My pathetic hopeless life_

_The one that has no meaning_

_No point, no hope._

_They say every life has a purpose_

_A reason._

_But what is mine?_

_I don’t have one._

_I know._

_I don’t._

_Don’t try to tell me that I’m wrong._

_I won’t…. I can’t…. believe it._

_I’m stuck, drowning_

_No way out_

_Forever sinking_

_Goodbye._

I really like that one. But we still had plenty of time left so I write another one.

_I’m a pawn in the game of life_

_Controlled by people who think they know me._

_I’m all smiles on the outside_

_Pretending, making others believe that I’m okay._

_When really I’m not._

_The laughs, the smiles,_

_They’re all fake._

_I’m a pawn in this game called life._

_I’m broken_

_Unrepairable_

_People try to control because they think they can fix me_

_But they can’t._

_No amount of duct tape or super glue_

_Can fix this pawn_

_A pawn with a blackened heart_

_A heart of despair_

_Where no light shines._

_Just pain_

_Stabbing, aching pain._

_Sadness, anger, hopelessness._

_None of that is a match for my friend._

_He fixes everything. Just one, right?_

_No…_

_Never just one…._

_One, two, three, no one can see._

_Wash, patch, and cover_

_No one is ever the wiser._

_The pain sets in_

_But in the end_

_It reminds the pawn_

_There’s an escape… from being controlled._

Holy shit that one was deep. Now the itch is back from the other night… it’s going to be a long day. I need to swipe another paperclip….

I look at the clock and we still have ten minutes…

_Hello? Are you there?_

_I’m so alone_

_I’m scared_

_People look at my life I’m crazy_

_Because I’m talking to thin air_

_I know you’re there_

_I feel you there._

_Sometimes I can hear you,_

_Even see you._

_I’ve always believed in you._

_Most people don’t believe in you these days._

_There’s always an explanation to them._

_Then I grew up._

_The pain became greater._

_I didn’t communicate with you as much._

_But when I did and I talked to thin air,_

_People thought I was crazy._

_I stopped believing in you._

_I didn’t listen when you tried to talk._

_I want to believe in you again._

_But it’s just so hard._

_If you loved me so much,_

_Why do I suffer?_

_I want to come back_

_And talk to think air_

_Please God…_

_If you’re still there…_

Tim says time is up and we are to share. I panic- I can’t share these! McKenzie goes, reading about how she has finally found a place she belongs- here with me, Louis, Andi and CeCe. A few others go, before Louis has to read. He grabs my hand and reads about how good it feels to have finally come out and have the love of his life by his side. I’m not going to lie, I tear up.

“Liam, you’re next!” Tim said.

“I’m not reading.” I say.

“Liam, it’s not a choice. Read.”

“I…” I sigh, knowing I won’t win, “fine.”

I read the three little things I write. Tim grabs the radio, calling for another staff member. Paul hurries in- he’s my favourite honestly.

“Paul, get Liam to Dr. O-Riley- ASAP.”

“Li…” Louis said, looking up at me. I smile at him and bend down, giving him a quick peck on the cheek and hug McKenzie, telling her not to worry.

Paul leads me down the hallways, holding my journal and my water bottle in one hand, an arm around me.

“Leemo, what’s goin on with you?” Paul asked.

“Nothin. Tim’s overeating.”

Paul smiled and hugged me close. We reached Dr. O’Riley’s office and Paul led me in, handing Dr. O my journal and explains what happened before leaving. I sit talking with him for almost 6 hours before he released me.

Paul picked me up to take me back to group.

“He’s not necessarily suicidal per say. However, he sort of is. Like he has the thoughts but I don’t think he’s going to act on them. So he’s not on Watch, but just like, keep an eye on him for strange behaviour.”

Paul nods and takes me back to the group who had just reconvened from art or music or something. Paul talked to Tim while I went and cuddled up with Louis.

“Alright kiddos, time for supper. Level two’s line up, levels one and zeros go to the table.” Louis, McKenzie, CeCe, Andi, and I go to the table. I hadn’t eaten breakfast or lunch, but I didn’t mind. I wasn’t hungry. I’m never hungry. I don’t need the food, the calories.

We’re served supper and everyone digs in. Everyone except me…

“Liam. You need to eat.” Tim said, sitting next to me.

“Not hungry.” I said shaking my head.

“Dude, you’re a walking skeleton. You really need to get some meat on your bones. Dr. O’Riley is talking about putting a feeding tube in you if you don’t start eating more. I know you haven’t eaten today at all. Let’s make a deal, 2 bites of everything on your plate and I’ll sign you off, okay?”

I nod and scoop up some mashed potatoes, I stare at them. I couldn’t do it. I chew on my lip nervously.

“Tim?” a voice calls, I look up and its Lou Teasdale, the intake lady.

“Hey Lou, what’s up?”

“We’ve got three new patients tonight. Here are their files. They’re waiting outside the room. I’ll let you handle them.”

Lou hands Tim the files and walks out.

“Zayn Malik. Please enter.” Tim said looking at the folder. I drop my spoon and Louis grabs onto me. Not our Zayn…

Zayn walks in, a large cast on his arm. Louis grip tightens on me.

“Take a seat over at the table with the others. We’ll have supper brought up for you in just a few moments.”

Zayn nods and comes and plops down next to Louis, brooding- what’s new?

“Harry Styles. Come on in please.”

Harry walked in and stared at his feet. Tim sighs and directs him to sit with the group.

“Niall Horan. Come on in and sit down with the others.” Tiny Niall walk in and sits next to us, trying to offer a smile.

Three more plates of food are bought up and Zayn digs in, Harry picks about, and Niall avoids it.

Wait what?

Everyone eats. I get about two bites down before I’m bee-lining for the trash bin. I vomit everything up, shaking.

Tim comes over and rubs my back.

“You did good Li. Really. You may not think so, but you did. I’ll mark you off.” Tim said, helping me stand.

“Since we have some new members, we’re going to have introduction time.” Tim said some time later as we put plates away. I want everyone to come sit in a chair or on the couch.

Everyone filed to the couch and comfy chairs, etc. and sat down.

I hugged little Niall close and smiled, kissing his cheek.

“Zayn Malik, stand and introduce yourself please.”

I hear some bitching from the chair next to me where Zayn and Harry were sitting together.

“I’m Zayn, I don’t want to fucking be here. Apparently the school thought my anger made me a danger to myself and others. Its fucking bullshit.” He said, crossing his arms best he could.

“Why are you angry, Zayn?” Tim asked.

“Because my two fucking best friends are broken inside and I couldn’t fucking help them or even realize it!” Zayn said, kicking the table.

“Okay, okay, calm down, thank you Zayn, go sit back down.” Tim said. Harry hugged Zayn tight, rubbing the spot behind his ear that always calmed him down when he was worked up.

“Harry Styles, you’re up. Same deal as Zayn.” Tim said. Harry stood and looked at his feet.

“C’mon Harry, you can do it.” Tim said.

“M’name’s Harry.”

“Why are you here Harry?”

“I don’t know…”

“Why don’t you know? You have to know if you parents brought you, yeah?”

“I don’t know!” Harry said, frowning.

“Okay, take a seat Harry. You’re gonna be okay.” Tim said and Harry sat next to Zayn cuddling.

“Niall Horan. You’re next.”

Niall stood, shaking. He hated crowds.

“Why are you here, Niall?” Tim asked.

“M’not sleeping. A-and m’not hungry anymore.” Niall said.

Louis and I gasped, Niall not hungry- what’s going on with our Nialler?

“Don’t forget the panic attacks Ni…” Zayn said softly.

“Y-y-yeah a-and those.” Niall said.

“Okay, take seat Niall. You three will be moved into the large room that Liam and Louis share since it has more beds.” Tim said. All of our faces light up for a moment. We then begin the nightly round of “why I’m here and hate myself” also known as group therapy. After about an hour we’re given snack and a drink and sent for medication. Louis and I get in line and take our pills before leading our boys to the room. We sit on one of the tiny bed and cuddle. Our little brotherhood is reunited.


	11. Journal 3, Entry 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens now that the lads have joined Liam and Louis in the hospital!?

_6 May, 2011; 7:15 pm_

Wow. I can’t believe our whole crew is here. I’m worried about all of them. Looks like I’m taking care of my boys again. Fuck. This means I have to start eating- I can’t do this.

I’m most worried about Nialler. I mean, our baby snowflake doesn’t eat? What’s happening to him? What’s happening to all of my boys? I need to make sure they’re okay. That starts with eating- God help me.

So onto the events of last night. As we entered the room Louis and I show the boys our room and where things go, explains the schedule, all the stuff we got on our first days here. In the end we push all of our beds together to make one and cuddle. Once my boys are asleep I pull away from the pile and go to the door and open it.

“Jesse?” I call, seeing a caretaker on the floor sitting in a chair.

“Yeah, Liam?” he asked walking over, “are you okay?”

“Um…. S-sorta…”

“Do you need to see Dr. O’Riley?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Okay, c’mere with me. Let’s talk, just us.” He said as he closed my bedroom door and leading me to the lounge. We sit in some chairs and I sigh.

“So what’s on your mind? What’s going on?” he asked, looking at me.

“I realized something tonight.”

“And that is?”

“I need to attempt to get better, no matter how hard it is, so I can take care of my boys.”

“That’s sweet that you and Louis finally realized your feelings for each other. I know you’ll always be able to take care of him. You’re a great boyfriend I can tell.”

“Thanks Jesse. But I mean it’s not just Louis anymore. Our three best friends from home showed up tonight. They’re all here for different reasons but essentially because Louis and I ended up here….”

“Oh Liam… it’s gonna be okay. I promise.”

“No, they call me Daddy Direction…. I take care of everyone and I’m the only one who ever is sensible in our group… it’s my job to care for them. It’s stupid I know…”

“No, not at all Liam. So, how do you think you can get better as you put it?”

“Well, I know for one I have to… h-have to e-e-eat.”

“That’s a good starting point,” Jesse said, writing it down on a piece of paper, “what else?”

“U-u-um….I… I don’t know.”

“Maybe you could open up a bit more in therapy? In group therapy?”

“I can try. But I’m scared, Jesse!”

“That’s normal Liam. If it helps, I’ll be your caretaker and leader for “why I hate myself” today” he said laughing. That’s why I like Jesse, he is funny and jokes about stuff with us so we don’t feel so odd or left out.

“Yeah, o-okay.” I said, nodding.

“Ready to get back to bed?” Jesse asked.

“Um, actually… if it’s not too late… c-could I try…” I sigh, taking a shaky breath, “try eating a little s-something?”

“Of course!” Jesse said excitedly and he radios to Paul about bringing some simple food up for a patient.

A few minutes later Paul walks up, carrying a tray with something on it.

“Alright, here ya go Jesse. Who’s the crazy bastard needing food at this time of night?”

“Our dear Liam!”

“Leemo?!” Paul said smiling as he turns to me.

“Yeah.” I said with a nervous laugh.

“Good for you kiddo. What changed?”

“My best friends…” I said tearing up, “t-they showed up t-tonight. B-because o-o-of m-me….”

“The three new boys that showed up tonight are his friends from home. They all felt guilty because they couldn’t help Liam or even Louis and they spiraled into different sorts of depression. Now they’re here because of it. And Liam feels responsible and is determined to get better so he can help his boys. He’s taking control to try and get better.” Jesse explained as I wiped my tears.

“That-a-boy Leemo. Eat up, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Paul said patting my back and leaving.

“So… what is this?” I asked, eyeing it skeptically.

“I think its fruit sauce. And a glass of milk.” Jesse said with a smile.

“Fruit sauce?”

“Yeah like apple sauce but mixed fruit.”

“Oh.” I reply with a laugh. I pick up the spoon and the bowl of what I’m just going to call goop and take a deep breath.

“Easy Liam. Go at your own pace. Don’t freak out. If you need to take a break, take a break. I’m proud of you for even wanting to try.”

I scoop the goop and slowly bring it to my mouth. I feel panic rise- my heart starts racing, my breathing quickens, I shake a bit as a sweat breaks out on me. I shove the goop into my mouth and gag as I try to swallow it down. I get it to stay down and I take another bite and then another. I smile as I manage to get it down. Jesse smiles wide. I suddenly feel like I’m going to be sick. I clamp a hand over my mouth, willing myself to keep it down. Jesse comes over and takes the bowl from me and grabs a bucket from the cabinet and hands it to me.

“Just let it go Liam, okay?” Jesse said, rubbing my back. I shook my head, I couldn’t. I had to not throw everything up.

I swallow it down and shake. I felt terrible but I did it!

Jesse smiles at me, telling me I did great but that that was enough for tonight and sends me back to bed. I crawl into bed with my boys and cuddle.

The next morning I wake to the sound of vomiting. Oh that sound… it makes me want to go crazy. I then realize Nialler is missing from our cuddle. I hurry to the bathroom.

“Ni?” I ask, walking into the bathroom, kneeling next to him.

Niall looks up at me with his sad, pained, blue eyes. I knew something wasn’t right.

“Ni?” I ask, “You okay? What’s wrong?”

“Don’t feel too good.” He replied in a tiny voice. He looked so innocent and young. I mean he is, he’s our baby. Only 14, almost 15. While the rest of us are 15 almost 16. He’s very bright and is a year ahead in school.

“I can tell baby. Let me go get Jesse, okay? He’ll be able to help you, okay?”

“Don’t leave me, LiLi.”

“I’ll only be gone a second, babe.” I say, jumping up and runs to the door, throwing it open.

“JESSE!” I yell. He comes running over.

“Li! What’s going on? You okay?!”

“I’m fine but Niall isn’t! He’s ill!”

“Okay, okay. Show me where.”

I lead him to the bathroom where Niall is dry heaving as he has nothing left in his tummy to throw up. Poor boy.

“Niall? I’m Jesse. I work here. Liam and I are good friends. He said that you’re not feeling well today. Can you tell me what’d going on?” Jesse asks, kneeling next to Niall.

“Don’t feel good.”

“Okay, let’s get you cleaned up then we can assess you a bit better, okay?”

Niall nods and Jesse and I help him up. I help him brush his teeth and hair. Jesse reaches a hand up to his forehead.

“You’ve a fever, Niall. I’m going to take you to the infirmary.”

“No….” Niall said, pouting.

“You need to go. C’mon, Liam can come with you.”

We take Niall to the infirmary –read me carrying Niall in my arms- and he’s seen immediately. It turns out Niall had bronchitis, a stomach virus, and strep throat. He was told he needed rest and the nurse advised he sat in the infirmary for a few days. Niall blatantly refused.

The nurse sighed, giving Jesse some medications for Niall, telling him that Niall needs one of each every 4-6 hours, lots of rest, and fluids. We take Niall up to our room where the other lads were coming too. I tuck Niall into bed and Jesse gives Niall 3 tablets from the nurse and a bottle of water.

“Poor Ni.” Zayn said, with a groan.

“Yeah. How’s your wrist feelin, Zee?” Harry asked.

“Hurts, but its fine. I can deal with it.”

“What even happened?” Louis asked as I placed a cool wash rag on Niall’s forehead.

“Well, I got upset in school when I found out you had been brought here. So I punched the lockers a few times before trying to take out the cement wall. It didn’t work out so well. Broke my wrist and all four of my fingers. So, yeah.”

“Shit Zee! Its fine! I’m doing a lot better!”

“I hope so. Now, let’s get out there before we get yelled at.”

They all head out for the morning routine and I stay in our room, cuddling a very sick little leprechaun. Jesse said it was fine for me to stay with our Nialler today as long as I came out for meals. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. I turn and see.......

**Author's Note:**

> If you are suicidal, feeling like you want to harm yourself, or anything else of the nature, please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). If you aren't but you have been through this situation at some point and want someone to talk to- I'm always here. Again, feel free to email me- K3nzi3kins13@gmail.com
> 
> Much love,  
> McKenzie


End file.
